There were a lot of transitions going on at Motorcycle Online 20 years ago, not the least of which involved its founder, Ashley Hamilton (top left), pictured with her friends and MOites Sister Kim and Ray. I was entitled Editor in Chief as I recall, but they mostly told me where to jump and how high.
Reading the Scooter Smackdown is okay, but the videos were what made the thing; sadly, they seem to be lost somewhere in the digital ooze of time – though the four frames on page 2 give you the gist: Calvin had the win in the main in the bag coming into the final corner, when he lost the Vino’s front end. It was all edited by an actual videographer friend-of-Calvin’s and was gloriously set to, I think, the “Chariots of Fire” theme. (Maybe that’s why it’s disappeared?) In a separate but equally hilarious incident, intern Elliott from Seattle was captured falling off another scooter, a video which the (major) manufacturer didn’t find the least bit funny. In fact, they yanked our test bike privileges. After a truly awkward boardroom meeting in which the ridiculous ambivalence of the cosmos was revealed, I realized I probably needed to get a real job. Twenty years later, those guys are all gone and I’m back. Dominus vobiscum, kids.
In Which Calvin, Stickie Actually Smack Down
By MO Staff Nov. 23, 2002
Torrance, California, November 22, 2002It started simply enough. We had a bunch of scooters, and there were a bunch of us here. We’d ride them all to lunch. We must’ve looked funny, but when you’re on a scooter, you really don’t care. Inevitably, lunch devolved into stoplight-to-stoplight drag races. This would invariably lead to who could get where first. Now before you deride us on our lack of mental fortitude in regards to traffic violations, rest assured that the highest speeds ever reached were in the realm of 43 piston-pounding miles per hour. Downhill. While drafting. And in a full aero tuck. That’s a full, unadulterated 63 feet per second.
MO Does! That’s who. Really, now, who else luvs ya enough — and has nothing better to do! — than to satisfy your burning desires? (Well, the one about which scooter makes more horsepower, at least.)
The speed of sound at sea level is in the neighborhood of 800 feet per second. So we’re definitely getting close. Anyway, after hours, we’d take all the scooters out back and do mock trials with them all. One person would lead, the other would follow. A swap of the scooters would take place and the whole thing would repeat. Our neighbors would just laugh. And it wasn’t just the neighbors scoffing, our spandex-clad two-wheeled brethren (bicyclists, that is) didn’t think much of the scooters, either: cyclist and MOridian Ashley had a brief melding of disciplines with these machines: “On a recent outing to the local bicycle training spot, I took the Metropolitan and went to the front of a motorpace — that’s where you lead a bunch of cyclists around at high speed to help them get used to riding that fast — and I figured it’d be my chance to dust everyone.
Perv. We know what you were thinking. That kind of thought can lead to a seriously scabby hand, almost as bad as the intrepid Calvin’s after his Great Scooter Smackdown.
So, I floored the Metro, and it makes lots of gurgly, grindy noises at its top speed, and my friend Mike, the reigning local club champion, got pissed, stood up and passed me! This guy’s doing 36+ mph, looks back over his shoulder with that `who’s your daddy’ angry look, and pedals away.” So, yes, even those boys in funny tights will be passing you with their noses upturned. Heaven forbid you run into one of your buddies that fancies themselves as a “real” biker, like our own Eric Bass: “The ancient Greek philosopher Pliny the Elder once said, `In the days of my youth I was sure of what it means to be a man. Now I’ve reached that age, I try to do all those things the best I can.` … or was it Robert Plant? In either case, I’m 35 now and I’ve pretty much got it boiled down to this: Real men don’t eat quiche, pee sitting down, or ride scooters. Its just that simple. Now ever since I came on board here I’ve been under a relentless assault from the other M0fos about the `scooter hang up’ I have.
“So what’s to hate about scooters?…